What do you want??

I don't know what has happened. I was so gung ho for a while and doing so good and now it's like I have lost all my motivation. I weighed this morning and I'm up to 213....wrong direction!! I need to figure out where I fell off and jump back on while I'm still fit enough to catch the train! I'm not going to make any excuses, (even though I have a ton of them running through my head) The truth is I obviously just don't want it bad enough....but I do! Or so I think I do!!

How does that happen? How can someone want something more than anything in the world, but not want to do what it takes to have it. It's not like I'm 5'6" wanting to be 6'. I want something that IS possible, something that is as easy as just making the decision to do it. I will never understand it. If I had some horrible deadly disease and they offered me a cure, I would do anything it took to get the cure. I would think I was worthy of receiveing it. But somehow this disease is different. I like the way the disease tastes, I like the way this disease makes me feel (in the moment anyway). But on the other hand this disease IS killing me...slowly. It interrupts my livelyhood, it makes me cry, it makes me depressed, it makes me feel weak and unworthy, yet somehow the good feeling I get from it is more powerful then the horrible feeling it also gives me. It truly is like a heroine addiction (not that I know from personal experience) The more the addict does it, the more they want. When they do it, it makes them feel wondeful, but afterwards they hate themselves....but they continue to go back, over and over again.

I am worthy of this...WE are worthy of this. We are worthy of the money it takes, the time it takes and the support needed from those that love us.

I am robbing my marraige.
I am robbing my relationship with Brayden.
I am robbing my future.

I say there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for my child, yet there is...

CAN I do this? Yes
Do I NEED to do this? Definetly
Do I really WANT to do this? Honestly? I'm not sure. I definetly want to lose weight, but I don't know if I want to do what it takes to do it. If I did...wouldn't I be doing it? My body doesn't want to do it and I'm not sure that my mind is quite on board with the idea either.

They (who are "they" anyway) always say with any addiction that not only do you have to want it, but you have to want to do it what it takes to overcome it. I disagree.... I don't think I have to want to workout everyday for the rest of my life and I don't think I have to want to skip dessert from now on. If I waited until I wanted to do those things, then I'm not sure I would ever do it.

So the real question is.. CAN I do something that I really don't want to do? Do I have the inner strength to suck it up and do what it takes even when I don't want to do it? YES. YES I DO!!

and I have proof...

I stood in front of my college Speech Orientation class every Monday night and gave a speech. I DID NOT want to. I knew I wasn't good at it. I HATED it. But I dug down and found the strength to do it anyway. I did it because I wanted the "A" and it was worth it.

I made myself vulnerable and laid on a table, half naked for hours with my legs spread open in front of my husband, mother and a room full of complete strangers. I definetly DID NOT want to...but I did. I knew the reward was worth. Brayden was worth it.

I packed up my stuff and my son and left my husband after almost 5 years of marragie to go live with my parents. I DID NOT want to!! I loved him and wanted to be with him. I bawled my eyes out along the way, but I did it. As heartbreaking and scary as it was...I DID IT! I found strength in God, in my family and most of all strength in myself that I did not know was there. At the time I didn't know it would come to be one of the best things that ever happened to our marriage and probably the only reason we are still together today. So was it worth it?? Yes, even though at the times it was so hard and my heart ached! Even though I felt weak and wanted to give up sometimes.

So do I want to do all of the hard work that it takes? Want to? Not really. Will I? Yes. Because I know the reward will be worth it.

It will be really hard at times. There will be mornings when my muscles will ache as I climb out of bed. I will have moments of weakness. There will be days that I feel like giving up. So even though I really don't want to do what it takes... I know that I have the strength and the determination to do it anyway. I WILL do this...not because I want to... but because I have to. For Bobby, for Brayden and most importantly....FOR ME!!

I hope there comes a point in this process that I will actually enjoy exercising and I hope there comes a time when I enjoy passing on the dessert...but for now it's going to be all about inner strength and doing what I don't really want to do.

Do you REALLY want it??

What things have you done in life that you really didn't want to do?