Today Even The Music Cries

You hurt me - I don't think you even know.
I try and try not to let my feelings show.
I am only human my heart so tender and easy to bruise.
Why can't you say I am sorry or my bad or hey girl I tried!
How I long for someone to stand up for me and be by my side.
No admission at all - now the tears start to fall.
What is that I hear? Is it the music or is it tears?
I guess today even the music cries.

Predator Among Us

It has been in the news lately that a sexual offender who was from here, then moved to Missouri, has been in prison and NOW is being released after only 4 months. The bad news is...
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HE IS MOVING INTO MY NEIGHBORHOOD!!!

It is scary to many of us because it is just a normal middle class neighborhood loaded with kids! Not to mention he will be a neighbor of someone I know! They have at least 3 school buses just for my daughers school. HERE is an article from when he was originally arrested in Missouri and HERE is a link from one of our local news channels.

As a mom of an almost 8 year old I am pretty upset about all of this! What is your take on it? How would you feel?

Weekend Update

I did pretty good this weekend. I didn't get any exercise, but I stayed within my calories. I didn't get much water though. I did breakdown and buy 3 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies... who can resist GS cookies? Especially when I was a GS myself, I did it for the girls, for the cause....(yeah right). I at least got the Low Fat Lemon ones....they are my fave. I'm going to allow myself 3 a day (130 calories). I got thin mints too, but B & B have already polished those off. By the way, I have a new goal... Bobby and I are going to the Nascar race in Charlotte, NC for Memorial Day weekend. That is my final goal date. (oh yeah we have decided to hold off on a baby until after then). I'm calling my new goal "Countdown to Green". Just in case you don't know, that's what they call the days/hours leading up to the race (green as in green flag - GO) That gives me 89 days (almost 13 weeks)....so my goal is to average 3 a week....for a total of 38 lbs. As of today's weight that would bring me in at 174. I would be extremely happy with that weight, even though I would technically still be considered overweight. I am going to really begin to study the Biggest Loser info and I'm going to commit to doing it for one week 100% (after I go grocery shopping this weekend). Not that I am quitting after a week, I just reserve the right at that point to switch up a few things based on my tastes and schedule. My main thing is going to be to stay under the BL's recommended calories for me. (1500) and to get 30-40 minutes of cardio 3 days a week and 3 days of "strength training. The exercise alone should make a big difference since I haven't really been doing any for the last few weeks. My weight loss goal for Wednesday is to be back down to 210.

Brad & Jen Finally Divide the Loot!

BRAD Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have agreed a multi-million-pound divorce settlement, Finally. The couple thrashed out the deal just over a year after they announced their split.

Friends star Jen, 37, will keep the 16.6million mansion they lived in for five years of marriage. The 12,000sq ft Beverly Hills property boasts eight bedrooms, six bathrooms, a pool, spa and tennis courts.

In return, Pitt, 42, holds on to the controlling share of their film company, Plan B Productions, believed to be worth more than 28million.
It's hot property after making 12 successful indie movies, including Tim Burton's Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. All I know is I really wouldn't mind getting either end of that deal!!

Food Find

You have to try these...they are so yummy and only 60 calories per twist. I've only had the california almond and original. They have been my little secret at home for a while.... Brayden and Bobby stayed away because I said they were good for you... good as in "better than the junk I would usually choose" Well last night I had them taste it.....big mistake. The entire bag was devoured by the end of the night.


By the way, I forgot to post my weight yesterday but it was back down to 211!!

Dunkin' Donuts!!

Ok, so I wrote that post and got all inspired and I haven't been back since... It's not because I haven't been on the program, I've just been so busy and haven't had a chance to get back here. So I'm here now. I'm excited about weighing in tomorrow. I just hope I'm back down to where I was a few weeks ago. I do have a confession to make. Someone brought in Krispy Kremes today and I took a raspberry filled one from the box and brought it back to my desk. I didn't want anyone to see me eat it (um, that's a sign that you have a problem), so I put it in a napkin and was going to wait until the room cleared before I ate any. Well thank goodness I did that, because the longer it sat there there more guilt I felt. I looked at it and imagined how good it tastes and in my head I said "screw it, I want that donut" and almost as soon as I thought that I thought - well you're not eating it...just throw it away...and that's what I did. I have just thrown a perfectly good Kripsy Kreme in the trash. I actually felt guilty for throwing it away because someone else might have wanted it and now I have taken it and trashed it - but you know what? Nobody else really needs that junk either!

I figured instead of putting a picture of the yummy donut, I'd put a picture of the nutrition label!!

Show Me The Weight Loss! Show Me The Weight Loss!

You had me at "I don't know what happened"! Reading that definitely gave me a Jerry McQuire moment! That was deep stuff but oh so true! I even had to send it to my mom! She responded with this:

wow that is so profound and inspirational and SOOOOOOOO TRUE! Tell her we will pray for her courage and ask her to pray for ours. To be brave enough to fight this giant. p.s. bet she got an "A" in speech class too!

I mean really that was SO true! Though I will say there has been alot in my life that I say I want but I really don't give 100%. I mean I really do want it but it is like I don't know why I don't try harder!! The thing is I DO deserve to do better than I do about alot of things! Plus, I mean how hard is it really to say no! I mean I say no to lots of other things that would keep me from reaching other goals so why is this so hard! I think you hit the nail on the head when it comes to almost feeling like a drug addict would feel! This HAS to be how they feel! We have got to do this! It is so important to us and it is just time! Every time I try to make an excuse I am going to remember the "speech" you just gave and say DOG GONE IT! I am WORTH this!! All I have to say about what you wrote is this!

*clap* *clap* *clap* BRAVO!

What A Blur!!

Things have been flying by the past week or so for me! It has been wild!! So what have I been doing you ask? Well....

Last Thursday
I had an assignment due in my biology class. Then that night my hubby, daughter and I went with my best friend's family to the Rodeo. The kids loved it! We also got to see Dierks Bentley while we were there! Hubba! Hubba!

Friday
A bunch of us were supposed to go out for my best friend's hubbies and mom's bdays but the birthday folks decided they didn't want to go. I ended up going to my friends house and eating some yummy steak & twice baked potatoes! We had to go over to visit her mom and tell her happy birthday and check out her soon to be finished/remodeled kitchen. We went and grabbed a couple of movies and then that was when I got the call. What call you ask? My husband - who is the the USCG and was on his way to drill several hours away - called and said, "Baby, I have bad news. I am halfway there and just realized when I dropped you off you left you keys in the ignition and now I have them with me!" OH NO! I was LOCKED out of my house from Friday night until Sunday night! My daughter was already spending the night with my friends daughter so I was invited to make myself at home for the night on their couch!

Saturday
I had to get up early while everyone was asleep and go buy me and my daughter all the necessities needed when you spend a weekend from home! I guess one good thing out of the deal is I got new clothes and make-up! Ha! After that I picked my daughter up from my friend's house and we went to my mom's. We (me, mom, daugher and 10 year old brother) rode to my 23 year old brothers house to check out all the work he has done! Then we went shopping & browsing! Afterwards we went back to mom's and had lunch and the adults napped while the kids watched a movie! Oh boy was it nice! That afternoon my friend called to see if I wanted to go out with a group of my other friends but I told her to go ahead and I would plan to join in the next weekend or so because I was going to go out to eat with my family and go watch Motocross! It was SO good! They do the coolest tricks on those motorcylces and 4-wheelers! I would be scared to death! Ha! My 7 year old daughter whats a motorcycle now. She liked them even before that night because her uncle has a room full of trophies from all of his motocross!

Sunday
My best friend called me around 8:30ish to update me on the night before and to find out if we were going to church. Since I was locked out I didn't have church clothes and she had a family function to go to with her hubby we skipped church for the week and promised to get back in the swing of things next week! My step-dad cooked us a great breakfast and then we went out to my step-grandparents farmhouse. They have horses and dogs everywhere! The kids had a blast. Afterwards we all went for pizza and then riding around looking for new cars! When we got back to my mom's I got my things packed together and was on my way to meet my hubby (who was coming back in town) and I got another call from him saying he had a little fender bender! No damage done so HOPEFULLY all will be fine! I was so glad to be home Sunday night - we even turned on the gas logs and just relaxed!

Monday
Back to work - I was SO tired from all of my going that weekend! I had to spend my lunch hour running around buying stuff for my daughters Valentine's party. After work I met my hubby & daughter for dinner and then I headed back to my best friends mom's house for our weekly Monday night meeting of watching The Bachelor! I got home and worked a couple of hours I was WIPED by the time I finally crawled into bed!

Tuesday
Happy Valentine's Day! I got up and got my daughter off to school to get a sugar high on all the candy the would be eating that day! Me and a friend met my mom and one of her friends for lunch. After work we went and met my whole "immediate" family to take my grandmother out for dinner for Valentine's day. It was a really wonderful time and with her Alzheimers I cherish every moment that we spend that way! I took her back to the nursing home and the hubby headed to the house. When I got home the hubby was cleaning up. My daughter went on to bed and the hubby allowed me to take a nice long, hot, bubble bath in the jacuzzi tub! After I got out I got a massage and some TLC from the hubby!

Wednesday
Went to work and then went home and worked some more! At bed time we realized my mini-schnauzers batteries for his collar for the underground fence must have gone dead. He had gotten out and we took 1 hour and 1/2 or longer looking for him! After my hubby found him we FINALLY got into bed!

Today
I am at work and super busy! Not to mention right after 5:00 I have an assignment for school due. Then I have to go home and work some more (I have really been putting in some O.T.!) and start studying for a check test that will be tomorrow.

Weekend Plans
My best friend is having a root canal done tomorrow so I offered to watch her daughter if she would like me to. Saturday if the weather is good I have to help my mom at my grandmothers house. Then we may get together with a bunch of our friends Saturday night and go out. Sunday morning Church of course and then Sunday afternoon hopefully some R&R! Somewhere in between all of that chaos I have to squeeze in some study time for my Biology mid-term next week!

Whew! So are you tired! I know I am! I guess I will talk to you later! If you don't hear from me until this time next week you know why! ;-)

What do you want??

I don't know what has happened. I was so gung ho for a while and doing so good and now it's like I have lost all my motivation. I weighed this morning and I'm up to 213....wrong direction!! I need to figure out where I fell off and jump back on while I'm still fit enough to catch the train! I'm not going to make any excuses, (even though I have a ton of them running through my head) The truth is I obviously just don't want it bad enough....but I do! Or so I think I do!!

How does that happen? How can someone want something more than anything in the world, but not want to do what it takes to have it. It's not like I'm 5'6" wanting to be 6'. I want something that IS possible, something that is as easy as just making the decision to do it. I will never understand it. If I had some horrible deadly disease and they offered me a cure, I would do anything it took to get the cure. I would think I was worthy of receiveing it. But somehow this disease is different. I like the way the disease tastes, I like the way this disease makes me feel (in the moment anyway). But on the other hand this disease IS killing me...slowly. It interrupts my livelyhood, it makes me cry, it makes me depressed, it makes me feel weak and unworthy, yet somehow the good feeling I get from it is more powerful then the horrible feeling it also gives me. It truly is like a heroine addiction (not that I know from personal experience) The more the addict does it, the more they want. When they do it, it makes them feel wondeful, but afterwards they hate themselves....but they continue to go back, over and over again.

I am worthy of this...WE are worthy of this. We are worthy of the money it takes, the time it takes and the support needed from those that love us.

I am robbing my marraige.
I am robbing my relationship with Brayden.
I am robbing my future.

I say there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for my child, yet there is...

CAN I do this? Yes
Do I NEED to do this? Definetly
Do I really WANT to do this? Honestly? I'm not sure. I definetly want to lose weight, but I don't know if I want to do what it takes to do it. If I did...wouldn't I be doing it? My body doesn't want to do it and I'm not sure that my mind is quite on board with the idea either.

They (who are "they" anyway) always say with any addiction that not only do you have to want it, but you have to want to do it what it takes to overcome it. I disagree.... I don't think I have to want to workout everyday for the rest of my life and I don't think I have to want to skip dessert from now on. If I waited until I wanted to do those things, then I'm not sure I would ever do it.

So the real question is.. CAN I do something that I really don't want to do? Do I have the inner strength to suck it up and do what it takes even when I don't want to do it? YES. YES I DO!!

and I have proof...

I stood in front of my college Speech Orientation class every Monday night and gave a speech. I DID NOT want to. I knew I wasn't good at it. I HATED it. But I dug down and found the strength to do it anyway. I did it because I wanted the "A" and it was worth it.

I made myself vulnerable and laid on a table, half naked for hours with my legs spread open in front of my husband, mother and a room full of complete strangers. I definetly DID NOT want to...but I did. I knew the reward was worth. Brayden was worth it.

I packed up my stuff and my son and left my husband after almost 5 years of marragie to go live with my parents. I DID NOT want to!! I loved him and wanted to be with him. I bawled my eyes out along the way, but I did it. As heartbreaking and scary as it was...I DID IT! I found strength in God, in my family and most of all strength in myself that I did not know was there. At the time I didn't know it would come to be one of the best things that ever happened to our marriage and probably the only reason we are still together today. So was it worth it?? Yes, even though at the times it was so hard and my heart ached! Even though I felt weak and wanted to give up sometimes.

So do I want to do all of the hard work that it takes? Want to? Not really. Will I? Yes. Because I know the reward will be worth it.

It will be really hard at times. There will be mornings when my muscles will ache as I climb out of bed. I will have moments of weakness. There will be days that I feel like giving up. So even though I really don't want to do what it takes... I know that I have the strength and the determination to do it anyway. I WILL do this...not because I want to... but because I have to. For Bobby, for Brayden and most importantly....FOR ME!!

I hope there comes a point in this process that I will actually enjoy exercising and I hope there comes a time when I enjoy passing on the dessert...but for now it's going to be all about inner strength and doing what I don't really want to do.

Do you REALLY want it??

What things have you done in life that you really didn't want to do?

Happy Valentine's Day!!

I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

These roses are for each of you and they represent friendship! If any of you are giving roses today here are some helpful hints to make sure you are sending the right message! Enjoy!

Rose Color Meaning
Amaranth Red Long Standing Desire
Cardinal Red Sublime Desire
Carmine Red Deceitful Desire
Firey Red Flames of Passion
Black roses Death, Hatred, Farewell. Mostly used at funerals.
Orange and Coral roses Desire
Lavender/Purple roses Sublime Desire
Peach/Pale colored roses Deceitful Desire
Pink Roses Flames of Passion
Light Pink Roses Death, Hatred, Farewell. Mostly used at funerals.
Orange & Yellow Roses Enthusiasm, Desire, Passionate thoughts.
Yellow Roses Joy, Friendship.
White Roses Reverence, Humility.

Weigh - In Wednesday - Traci

So I am sad to say that I weighed in this morning at 212.2 Honestly I was expecting it to be higher after yesterday!! I've done good so far today and plan to do so from now one! I can really tell I worked out. I'm sore and I only did 20 minutes.

I really like the deskercizes you posted!! I'm going to try to do some!!!

BTW - You are doing a great job!!!

Deskercize!

I have done really good about exercising the past 3 days! I decided to look and see what I could find to ad a few more calorie burning activities in. I can across these three sites with some pretty good "Deskercizes". I am going to give them a try! What could it hurt!

http://www.ucop.edu/humres/eap/exercizes.html#anchor66636

http://www.dietbites.com/calories/dieting-exercise-desk-work.html

http://www.hooah4health.com/environment/occuphealth/exerciseatdesk.htm

http://www.webmd.com/content/Article/82/97478.htm

http://www.diabetic-help.com/workouts_at_your_desk.htm

WDW HERE WE COME!!

Woohoo! Our family vacation for the year has officially been planned! We are going to Walt Disney World. The hubby has been once, I have been twice and this will be my daughters first time! We are all so excited! Not to mention the fact that we have not had a "real" vacation in a long time! (I do suggest that everyone go at least once without kids!)

Other than that - just the usual - work, school and all else that comes along with being a mom/wife! We have tried organizing our house and getting some painting done. We hope to get our back fence put up in the near future - however; that might have to wait until after our trip! Alot of things probably will though!

What else, what else...ohhhh...we had a cook out at our house a couple of weeks ago and it was nice not to have to be the one to drive all over the world! Sunday we watched the Super Bowl at Brooke's house. This Thursday we are going to the Dixie National Rodeo and much to my daughter's excitement Dierks Bentley will be there! You know how young girls go gaga over these singers! Whew! I hope she outgrows that but being a women myself - I am sure she won't!

Hope all is well with everyone!

The Two Bad "W" Words of Weight Loss!

Those would be "Weigh In" and "Workout"! Ha! I finally got a fire under my back end this week! I walked (actually Gazelle) 2 miles yesterday morning and 1/2 mile last night. This morning I also got up and walked 2 miles. It takes me about 30 minutes right now to walk a 2 miles. I would like to work up to 1 hr a day. Yes 7 days a week! I would also like to add in my BL circuit training several days a week. THEN eventually I am going to add in weight training.

I have decided that I am not going to do a "Weigh In Wednesday" until February 22nd. It is going to be SO hard not to look at the scale every morning but I might get Brian to hide it from me! Ha! I just want to work out really hard for two weeks and see what a difference it makes. I am afraid if I keep looking at it fluctuating I am going to really discourage myself!

I am still sticking to "eating healthier" for now!

Good luck on your WW! A lady at work has lost 8lbs or so in a couple of weeks on WW. Another lady has lost about the same on South Beach. I just know me - I don't do well sticking to that sort of thing so I am going to have to do it the old fashion way! At this point it is just the fact that we are doing it - not how we are doing it! BTW - I really like your "fun" links! They were good for an afternoon pick me up!

We can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fun Stuff!!

Some cool sites that I've stumbled upon: (not all diet related)

Virtual Pizza Parlor: - Just pick your crust, sauce and topping and it gives you the nutritional info. Very Cool!!

Baby Name Wizard: Just type in a name next to the > and it will tell you when the name was most popular.

Virtual Deli: Similar to pizza parlor, but for sandwiches.

Death Clock: A bit morbid, but in regards to your weight it's interesting to see if you lost weight how many years of life you might gain. I would gain 3-4 more years. And if I led a more optimistic life I would gain 11 years of life!!

Rubber Faces: Stretch the faces of your favorite celebrities.

Change of plans....

...diet plans, that is. I guess I haven't actually been on "a plan", but I've been counting calories. I've decided that I'm going to give Weight Watchers a try again. I liked it when I did it, but I hated keeping track of everything. But now that I haven't gotten in the habit of counting calories, I figure it's no different than leeping track of points. The thing with only couting calories is that I'm taking fat into consideration, but with WW I will be. I'm not signing up on the site or anything. I'm just going to follow the point guidelines. I know that you've done WW in the past, but I'm posting a link to some info just in case you forgot how many points for each weight range, etc. Just in case you want to give WW a second shot also. I also found this online points calculator. So my stats will still appear the same way, I'll just have points beside each meal instead of calories. At my current weight I get 26 points and then there are the 35 flex points. I'm not going to use the activity points.

Slacker!!

Ok, so I have really been slacking on the posts. I was doing so good about posting everyday but now it's been over a week! I've been crazy busy at work and it seems like we have had something going on every night this week!! I have done o.k. this week. I haven't been counting the calories, but I have still been eating healthy for the most part... there have been a couple of "treats" this week. I'm guessing I've been getting around 1800 a day. I weighed this morning though and I'm actually at 209. I think the 1200 was just way too low and that's why I plateaued so quickly. So Im shooting for 1500 a day. I'm still not 100% on the exercise, but I am doing better. Brayden and I actually got up this morning and went on a walk. We got outside and I remembered that Bobby took the car to work today, so we had to go without the stroller (it's in the car). It was cold and windy but he was quite the little trooper. I did however have to carry him piggy back the last couple of blocks. When we got home he said "ya know mom, that exercise felt good". I told him that from now one we would do it every Saturday, he was fine with that but insisted we take the stroller next time. That's probably best anyway. I could have gone a lot farther, but he was ready to come back to the house. Mom is coming to get him later today, so I'm going to go again after he's gone. Anyway, I'm back on the counting calories and posting bandwagon as of today. I am sooo glad to hear that you are "feeling it" now. It took me a good month or so to really put my foot down and decide to do it, but once I did it got much easier. It won't be long before we have awesome b4 and after pictures like the BL pics. I have a picture from August that I'm going to use as my before. I think I may put the same outfit on and take a picture of me now and post them next week. That will be my first b4 and after! I've lost a total of 20 lbs since then so you should be able to notice a difference. Keep on keeping on! You are doing great and I am very proud of you!! Love ya!!

Hello Strangers!

Hi guys and gals! I have been so swampped lately at home, work, school and well...life in general! I hope everyone is doing fine - I just wanted to stop by and say hello!! Running out of time to post so just wanted to leave you with this funny little note- Have A Great Weekend!

I'm Feeling It!

I am feeling so much better! I have felt so sluggish between being sick, recooping from the holidays and my new change to "the pill". My body is finally kind of relaxing and boy does it feel nice! I STILL haven't gotten into the exercise mode but Brian and I are going to work really hard Saturday on getting our house in order and all of our exercise equipment put in the extra bedroom. We SO need to do that. I am looking forward to his help in getting in the "exercise mode". It will make things alot easier knowing he is another person looking at me like "Okay Tiff get with it!" I think I have finally mastered the eating. For example I eat alot less every day, I cleaned out all of my cabinets and have lots of healthy choices, even our "snack" food is divided out and fat free, at Baylee's class party this morning I didn't have the first cookie or chip, I went to lunch with some ladies today and I did have some fries HOWEVER I did not eat even half of them and one of the ladies ordered dessert for us to share and I had 3 "very small" spoonfuls! That is the only day I really splurged though but I still didn't do too bad. I just feel I am getting the hang of - and actually enjoying! - eating better! There have been no complaints at home either! I have looked back at all your food journaling and you have done AWESOME! I am really proud of you! So (as I keep saying) I just HAVE to incorporate getting all of my water in everyday and exercising like crazy!! I am really going to try to take on some of Bob and Jillian's pointers that they have on the site:

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/dietcenter/downloads/

I also looked at this before & after photos of people that pretty much just did their own thing and lost weight by cutting back and exercising! Like you keep saying we didn't gain it overnight so we aren't going to lose it overnight! Hope these are inspiring to you, also!

BTW - If I haven't already told you *I really like your "No Excuses" post and agree with it 100%! and *I really like our before picture at the top of the site! Okay - by for now! Have a great weekend!!!!

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/weightlossgallery/wlg_p129.shtml#photo

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/weightlossgallery/wlg_p123.shtml#photo

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/weightlossgallery/wlg_p110.shtml#photo

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/weightlossgallery/wlg_p105.shtml#photo

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/weightlossgallery/wlg_p11.shtml#photo

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/weightlossgallery/wlg_p36.shtml#photo

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/weightlossgallery/wlg_p40.shtml#photo

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/weightlossgallery/wlg_p44.shtml#photo

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/weightlossgallery/wlg_p51.shtml#photo

http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/weightlossgallery/wlg_p53.shtml#photo

Weigh In Wednesday!

Well I am FINALLY back down to the weight of one of my first weigh ins - 252! Woohoo! I don't know how I did it but I finally did! So that puts me back to losing 10lbs since I started this thing late last summer. Imagine had I really really stuck to it all this time what I could have done! I really don't know how I did it other than I have been busier and the fact that I stayed in the bathroom with a stomach bug! I am also a little bloated right now because of Uncle TOM so maybe it was more...who knows! As I keep saying I HAVE to add in exercise! I mean it is getting ridiculous! I HAVE to do this! I have done SO well today and I am going to stick to it tonight by getting some sort of exercise in! Even if it is only 10 minutes I am doing it!!

I started drinking those Lipton To Go Green Teas with my water at least once a day. Green Tea is good for you and it has no calories, sugar or artificial flavors!

I am also going to try this www.staplepower.com My mom personally knows someone that did it and lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. It may all be in your head - but whatever works!!